Gourmet Burger Kitchen in Dublin

The fun began with their self-serve machine, which decided twice that it simply could not be bothered. I stood there like a chimp with an iPad, repeatedly stabbing the frozen screen while a queue formed behind me, full of people wondering whether they too would live long enough to place an order. Eventually, after what felt like a lifetime, the order limped through the system. Fifteen minutes later my number was finally called, but not before they managed to turn what should have been a simple handover into a full-blown drinks disaster. My Coke was launched across the counter like a low-budget stunt scene, showering three innocent customers. Unsurprisingly, this did not go down well. And then the burger arrived. Technically, it was a double patty burger. In reality, it was a cheap, greasy, structural catastrophe. The patties themselves looked exhausted — thin, grey, oily, and completely devoid of any real flavour. The cheese had melted into limp flaps, drooping sadly over the sides like melted plastic. And as if to ensure the whole thing was completely impossible to eat, they had crammed in a ridiculous slab of lettuce the size of a small parasol. It stuck out like the sails of a boat, making any attempt to pick it up result in an immediate collapse of the entire construction. This was not one of those indulgent, guilty pleasure burgers you rave about to your friends. It was a cheap, greasy mess you finish only because you feel too ashamed to throw it away. Gourmet Burger Kitchen needs to sort its technology, train its staff not to spill drinks on customers, and — most importantly — go back to sourcing proper burger meat. Because at the moment, it is a very long way from gourmet.